March 10, 2019
This is the first time I am writing anything in 3 months and heaven knows I am putting together all the courage I have.
This is coming from someone who not only loves to write but also uses the craft to unwind, express and empower, hoping to bring change with eloquence. But the writer in me gets overshadowed by the demon that dwells within: depression.
Admittedly, I am concurrently an aspiring writer and victim of depression. Some of you might even be able to relate. When depression kicks in, you become a dead man walking. There is this feeling of nothingness, lingering, and refusing to leave. You lose all interest in even the most enjoyable activities.
– All hopes die out.
– You break down, feeling there is no one who understands.
– Passion gets pinned down.
– The feeling of self-loathing, and worthlessness are stronger than ever
– Prejudice reigns in the thoughts
– Your hands are cold.
– Your body is numb.
– Your mind stops working.
– You become suicidal
– You are incapable of feeling any emotion.
The only area that seems to be still functioning, and feeling anything at all, is the heart, and the only thing you feel is the heartache. It’s ironic how it’s the one thing you want to die out, but, it somehow just sinks in deeper.
Those who have fallen victim to depression also know what it’s like to get shot down and then rebound from the ashes.
I have been living with depression for the past 11 years- it never goes. It’s always there, in the subconscious mind that eclipses me every time I’m in isolation or inaction. It resurfaces each time I face a heart-break.
But, I am a fighter. I get back up, taller and stronger if not slightly broken. Because that’s what you do when life gets thrown in your face and sh*t gets ugly. If you don’t do what I do, then it’s time you at least tried.
Why and how I rebound from depression is another question. Before anything, I am brave enough to acknowledge it and embrace all the causes behind it just as well. It gives me enough perseverance to be comfortable in my skin, despite all the emotional and psychological imperfections. It pulls me out of self-pity, desperation, and insignificance.
Acknowledging the deep-rooted depression makes me feel and act normal. It brings back that long-lost self- confidence with the realization, that I don’t need special attention to be part of the society. I don’t want people to sympathize because I am the best version of myself at this point. I am human and while that’s true, I am allowed to be imperfect, have scars, scrapes, fears, and tears.
As I continue to live with restored pride, dignity, and faith, my heart goes out to others. I rise with heightened empathy, always stronger than ever. It urges me to feel others’ sorrows, solve them if I could or at least let them know that they are not alone.
This is why I and many like me, get back up; not just to move on but also to help others as we go.
I’ve always held my privacy above all else. I thought that my depression was mine to bear. What I didn’t know was, that the world should know this just as much as they know the bright side of me.
We need to be more honest about ourselves. People are so accustomed to pretending to be okay, hiding flaws and setting an impression that it has become second nature.
We shouldn’t be afraid to give away our honest identities. We need to lose the veil of deceit and pretentious happiness. Depression stands in need to be heard and understood. It should be shared before it eats you alive.
It finally feels a lot better to get this off my chest. I did it through writing about it and sharing it for the world to see. For you, it could be any other outlet – art, music, or simply talking to a friend.
I would love it if this reached someone who NEEDS to read this. I’d like you to know that I hope this acts like that little push you have been seeking or a helping hand to pull you back up. And if this isn’t doing much, then I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to write to me, and know that you will not go unheard.